THE BREAKING Not NEWS
(Satirical News for People Who Like Laughing, Reading and Sex. But Not Necessarily at the Same Time.)
Opal Winfrey to Change Name
Retired social worker, Opal Winfrey has finally had enough of being mistaken for the famous talk show host. Today she is heading down to the courthouse to petition to change her first name legally to Pearl.
“It used to be an honour to have a name so close to Oprah, but then some total asshat author tweeted that she wanted to get a review from “Oprah Winfry” or someone with a name just like Oprah’s when she put out her first novel last year.”
It seems the idea caught on and for the past eleven months, Winfrey has been inundated with calls, emails, even people arriving at her house to beg for reviews. “I get authors here at all hours, knocking at my door with their manuscripts. And they’re all so desperate. It’s sad, really. I can’t take it anymore. I just want to enjoy my retirement. Do my gardening and visit my friends in peace.”
While I was on scene, I witnessed it firsthand. Paranormal writer, Glenora Henry, had been waiting all night in her car for Winfrey to emerge from her bungalow, having given her a copy of her manuscript the day before. When Winfrey opened the door to greet me, Henry rushed to the steps asking if she’d had a chance to read it yet.
Winfrey replied, “I told you. I don’t read books about shape-shifting strippers!”
“Please, any little quote would do!” Henry asked, dropping to her knees.
“Sure. I’ve got your quote right here. Two middle fingers up. Now F*&k off!”
Ms. Winfrey, or Pearl, as she asked to be called, hopes to have the changes made by early 2015.
The asshat in question is MJ Summers, author of the Full Hearts Series. “I feel terrible that this has been happening to Ms. Winfrey. I was only joking,” she said when contacted for comment, “But if Opal likes steamy romance novels and she wants to give it a read, I would happily send her a copy before her name is officially changed. Seriously though, did she say if she likes romance?”