THE BREAKING Not NEWS
(Satirical News for People Who Like Laughing, Reading and Sex. But Not Necessarily at the Same Time.)
Break In Two Causes Break Up
Carson City, Nevada
Geoff Winterbottom filed for divorce today after his wife of four years became obsessed with steamy romance novel, Break in Two. His wife, Chastity, purchased the book during a Black Friday sale in 2013. She has since read the book at least “one hundred times” according Winterbottom. The couple sought counselling but could not come to an amicable solution to the problem.
“At first I was glad she read the book. It really seemed to get her in the mood, if you know what I mean. But after a few weeks, I started to get tired, you know. A guy’s got to sleep. I would try to tell her that I have to go to work in the morning but she would just say, ‘So does Cole, but you don’t hear him complaining, do you? He’s up all night with Claire and he has a ranch to run!’ Of course I don’t hear him complaining, he’s a fictional character.”
The “Cole” he is referring to is Cole Mitchell, the hero of the novel in question.
“So I adjusted. I would go to work exhausted, nap at my desk on all my breaks and go home. I figured a guy could have worse problems. Besides, I can’t let her stupid book boyfriend outdo me. I’m a real man, for Christ’s sake. But seriously, I need some sleep.” Winterbottom, an accountant found this particularly difficult during tax season.
“Things leveled out and it was fine for a while, but then she started calling me Cole when we were in bed together. At first I thought, ‘just go with it, Geoff. You’re having a lot of sex’ but after a while, it kind of hurt my feelings. Next came the shopping trip. She comes home with a cowboy hat and boots for me and suggest I ‘try a new look’. She wasn’t fooling anyone with that one.”
“After that, it was the allergy shots. I’m violently allergic to strawberries but she wanted to recreate a scene in the book. I flat out refused. I suggested we try some other type of fruit, but Chastity got really pouty about it. We didn’t talk for days over that one.”
The final straw came last Friday, when upon arriving home from work, Mr. Winterbottom found two horses tied up in their front yard. “I knew it was over when I saw the horses. I’m out.”
Chastity Winterbottom could be heard yelling, “I’m coming for you, Cole!” as she rode off with her E-Reader into the sunset. “If she was heading to Colorado, she was going the wrong way. Its east of here,” Winterbottom said with a shrug.